This beast is bigger and tougher than me. David and Goliath, if you will. But I have none of David’s precision.
I have lain prostrate. Begging it to stop. The voices of hatred toward me. The feelings of abject terror. The inability to put one foot in front of the other, while around me there was laughter, accomplishments and life worth living.
I tried to die on numerous occasions, not because I wanted to die (I did but it was more complex than that), but because others had an impassive hatred for me, and they wanted me dead.
Over years these battles quite simply knocked the stuffing out of me. I’ve been incapable of work, but I didn’t want to live with my parents. I applied for the disability pension when I was in hospital after it was suggested, and have been on and off it over time.
I’m on it now.
I take no pride in it. Abbott and his cronies should be happy.
But I do take pride in myself. I have faced the devil and survived. I have battled between life and death, good and bad, survival and oblivion.
I’m not a superhero. But I survived. It’s been over 5 years since I last fought the beast.
I know, for many (not my amazing readers who follow me on this journey), this invisible war, is insignificant, an excuse for laziness, for opting out.
It won’t do to say I’m exhausted, to say I’m terrified of having my reality challenged again, what this would mean to my daughter.
My eyes avert when people talk about their knowledge of mental illness when it is not personal, not lived.
It has crippled me, it has taken my soul hostage. For you this is superlative. For me it but skims the surface.
Finally, I feel my plight is taken seriously. Finally, I feel the hand of kindness ushers me in. The National Disability Insurance Scheme recognises mental health disabilities.
“The NDIS is the new way of providing support to people with a psychosocial disability and works to have a positive impact on your everyday life. It will provide opportunities in the community and certainty of funding for supports, and give people more choice and control over how supports are provided.” (Psychosocial disability, recovery and the NDIS factsheet)
It’s holistic and for me involves household support, support with healthy living and work placements, and is flexible to my individual needs.
I have a support coordinator who not only plans but advocates. She ‘gets me’ and doesn’t judge. This is not just a service, it’s healing for my soul, it’s a pathway back to living.
Yes, I have goals. Yes, I have plans. But I know I can’t predict my future. Having protective hands around me provides a sense of security and love from my community I’ve never had.
I want to say a heartfelt:
“Thank you, Australia.
Thank you for this respect, understanding and love.
Thank you for valuing my sanity.”
This is wonderful! Sooo good to know that they are doing this. xxx
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Yes it’s great isn’t it!
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It’s wonderful that mental illnesses recognised for what it is, I wish more countries followed suit
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Yes, I hope it remains. Xx
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Oh awesome ! I didn’t realise the NDIS covered mental health stuff. Been out of the social services game for too long now, everything changes so rapidly… Applying for DSP is such a joke, I used to hate talking to ppl with BP in the throws of depression and having to tell them their claim was still “progressing” 8months after they had lodged it, when they cried and said they couldn’t go on much longer I just wanted to burst into tears and hug them and tell them that I truly understood how God awful this illness could be. I am so glad that there are now more options and Sarah, I am so glad they are helping you!!
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Centrelink another story entirely – Catherine wrote about her experience on this blog earlier. Very dehumanising when you feel far from world already. But I am glad I’ve met the right ppl and services through NDIS. I’m sorry for your circumstances. Would you try again with DSP?
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Sounds like this is something that meets your needs and makes you happy. I’m glad it is working for you. Wish US was as accepting of a program like this. 🙂
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I wrote about this program precisely because there are ominous groanings at this point in time. Mental health despite increases in funding needs more community funding rather than focus on emergency care. I’m hoping my little voice sheds light on this.
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There for fate goes everyone. We know mental health illnesses is
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Not biased and can hit any age race or gender at any time. Those of us who have so far escaped its cruel hand, can not afford complacency. Assurances and insurances should be inplace for all who face its cruelty. I am glad it is available to more people. It seems that when people are at their worst with the illness, they are expected to fight harder than an athlete for the basics in life. Be well, be strong and I hope your dog stays on its lead for longer and longer.
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Thank you so much for your understanding and knowledgeable words. As Kate indicated in an earlier comment jumping through the hoops can require superhuman strength when your struck down. I’m so grateful for the assistance. I’m worried for the future of my daughter. But I appreciate the place I’m at now. Blackie has survived his 6mth life expectancy and has been given another 6 months from the vet. Thank you so much for mentioning him. He’s so wonderful – seeing his love and patience with my daughter as she grew – have so much respect for the old guy! So grateful I still have him. Xx
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