Did I lose the love of my life because of my mental illness?
Perhaps, I was naïve to believe in true love – finding the person who is compatible with you physically, emotionally and intellectually.
Blake seemed The One. Everything came together.
A few short months after we met we celebrated New Year at the local waterfront fireworks under a blue moon.
I was completely besotted.
In retrospect, I was burning the candle at both ends. Working shift work full time, and enjoying as much of my awake time as possible with Blake: this was a quick road to my downfall, but I didn’t notice.
I was on top of the world. I was working and renting my own place. Further, I had a working, professional, handsome, caring boyfriend – people could see I was doing well. Everything in my life seemed perfect. I had a future.
And then I noticed it was falling apart at work.
Once again everyone hated me. I stayed on Blake’s couch that night. Next morning he took me home. He was part of it. I rang him while he was at work the next morning. ‘You won’t see me again.’
I took all my tablets and felt myself falling into unconsciousness. Would Blake come? I doubted it. He wanted me dead, as everyone else. I was upstairs in my bed. It seemed a while for me to finally pass out, but I didn’t want to turn back.
The next thing I know, Blake was shaking me.
‘What have you taken?’
Incredibly groggy I showed him my empty tablet cases. He took them and put them in his pocket.
‘Up you get. I’m taking you to hospital.’
‘But you’re at work. Why did you come?’
‘I was worried after last night and what you said this morning.’
‘You don’t want me dead?’
‘No. Of course I don’t.’
I don’t remember what happened after this. Next I remember being in an emergency bed screaming at a senior psychiatrist’s retreating figure, ‘Just let me die, if you hate me that much!’
Despite our short time together, despite my suicide attempt, Blake stayed and supported me through the death of my father. And he wanted to share his life with me. He proposed to me in gardens in Paris.
We decided to complete our happiness. Marriage before a child was not essential for either of us. Since we were older we just agreed ‘Go for it!’
Blake went with me to numerous meetings to discuss suitable medication to have a safer pregnancy. I had to stop Epilum and started Seroquel (my namesake). Seroquel made me want to sleep just about 20 hours a day.
Blake did say to me he expected me to work to help bring in money.
I started doing voluntary work and much to my surprise they really liked me and my work. As a result the manager developed an employment role for me. It was full time and the manager refused to make the position part time, despite talking with my case manager. It was also a controversial role because it meant taking some of the role away from another worker.
I signed the employment contract one day and the manager was on a two week holiday the next.
This stressful situation wasn’t an environment I thrived in. The manager criticised how I handled the controversial aspect of my work on her return. Rather than refusing to let such a hard won position slip from my fingers, I was angry and paranoid. I couldn’t think about the situation in a rational light. I was adamant I would not go back. Blake was furious with me.
It’s easy to see now I was very emotional during the pregnancy because I wasn’t being stabilised by the optimum medication for me. I’ve also been told that I have borderline personality “tendencies” which I wasn’t aware of at the time and so I wasn’t using techniques to modify my immediate responses.
I loved my pregnancy – the rest of my life maybe not so much…
Years on and I still find it difficult to accept that Blake and I were not meant to be.
Someone said it was understandable that he left me when my mental health was unstable. Is that what you say to someone whose partner leaves them when they develop cancer?
What is your experience with relationships? Do you have a partner? Do you find your partner generally supportive?
Now I’m not going to leave you thinking I’m simply pining for the father of my daughter. I do. But it’s not the whole story.
He was judgemental and I appreciate my own space to be who I want to be. I am good enough and maybe one day I’ll come across someone who wants to be good enough with me.
Being alone is far better than always feeling you don’t measure up.
A fellow blogger, Aidan O’Connell on his post 18 People tell me why they won’t date someone with mental illness, has done the footwork to find out people’s beliefs about dating someone with mental illness. The findings are fairly unsurprising (as the title suggests) yet Aidan’s response to them is heartening.
From my twitter and blogging experiences, there are obviously those with mental illnesses who have found a supportive and loving long-term partner.
So while I am not overly optimistic, I haven’t lost all hope of maybe meeting that someone special.
This is a very moving blog, thank you for sharing it. I was dating someone who also had a mental illness, so I expected there would be some mutual understanding of our common ground, but I was trampled over the top of and taken advantage of with no sympathy or understanding of my challenges. It seems we can’t win either way. One day, we will meet someone who is ‘the one’. The longer we wait, the more special they will be!
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I’m so sorry to hear that! You would expect more mutuality. For now I’m very happy raising my daughter and exploring opportunities for creativity and employment
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Good luck with the opportunities, I hope many open up for you 🙂
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I also really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Xx
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Thanks xx
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I’m so sorry for the way he treated you. But you got the best part, your daughter. I developed PTSD, depression and anxiety while married to my husband, so he saw me at my worst and has been a huge support system for me. We will be married 29 years this Sept. He still tattles to my doctor if he sees me getting down or he suspects my meds aren’t working for me any longer. I am very blessed. I think you are too, you just don’t realize it. If a man is meant to be in your life, he will come along and you will know he is the one. It’s a wonderful feeling. Hang in there.
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Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment. It’s experiences like yours that give me some hope. You are right I am blessed and I have my wonderful daughter.
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You are welcome. Stay strong! 🙂
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I don’t think it is understandable at all or right to say he left you because of your mental health. I also think you did the right thing re that job. While he was obviously very, very, supportive in many of the situations you were in because you weren’t well, the business of you doing the right thing there was obviously one where he couldn’t quite measure up, stand at the plate as it were. That is not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. People are what they are, have what they have, get by as they get by. BUT hey, you have your daughter from this and maybe that is what you were meant to have. AND you are being so positive about your own space. Maybe that is also what you need. Whatever, you need to find your place in life and you will, what is for you as my nan used to say, will not go past you xxxxx
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What a beautiful saying by your nan! Thanks for saying I did the right thing by the job I’ve been kicking myself big time! But things do happen for a reason and I’m determined to take the opportunities that arise – such as taking the time to write, spend time with my daughter… Thank you for reminding me of what I have. Xx
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I willingly share the life of my wonderful husband. We came together and when things became serious he laid his psychological reports on the desk, poured me a wine and left me to read. He was open, honest and prepared for life to skirt him, me to walk away. I know the worst and ward it off, we are together a team a partnership of love and trust. I get mad when he stops his meds… just to see? W T F! But I have warned him “I am going nowhere “. Loving each other for ourselves, not wanting to change this… then I’ll love him, or tweak that bit … then it will be good. I wouldn’t change him if I could, I would make him well if there was a way, but I came with open eyes and left with a full heart. Never say never. 😇
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How beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. And it’s true there are other loving partners out there… but it is a big ask – plus they might say Blackie can’t take up the entire bed… 😂 No I won’t say never. 🙂
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There is less room every day for blackie, he comfortably stays just out of sight for now, the more stability there is the less he raises a growl. Xx
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Yes stability, lack of stress… thanks
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Being in the box I can’t say what it must be like for someone who dates people like you and I. I am sure it is not what one expects. The person would have to be very strong and very understanding.
I am sad that your partner left. The missing piece can be very helpful in helping you to recognize when you are doing things that are not in your best interest. Thankfully you have a lifelong friend in your dog. That’s one friend who won’t turn a back on you.
Try to stay away from the bad thoughts. They only get us into trouble anyway.
May you find peace.
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