‘Are you working?’
The question, from a family friend, rings with accusation and expectation.
It’s not immediately obvious that I have a serious chronic mental illness. Of course, it wouldn’t be. It’s an invisible disease. People can’t see my brain ticking over constantly checking on reality, constantly monitoring my feelings, responses, perceived reality, my breakthrough symptoms despite medications. These are all in my head, not in colourful display for passers-by.
My immediate response is to dive for cover, normalise my situation. ‘Oh, not before Gracie’s in school.’
Wouldn’t it be great to work? To have a job with the respect and community standing it commands. Like I once had.
Instead, should I have explained the true reason to relieve my guilt? ‘I still battle my mental illness and cannot work, despite my regular attempts.’
Or should I explain as a warrior who challenges the well-meaning expectations of others?
One day a friend, who has serious physical health challenges and complications that she has explained to me, seemed to genuinely want to hear about my experience. I told her what it was like when my psychosis emerges.
Her response was that I needed to learn to breathe.
Seriously? After nearly two decades of psychiatrists, psychologists and an ever-changing cocktail of medications? And she has the solution?
She did not want to hear any more. For her, I was cured and my most despairing times easily fixed if I only chose to do so.
Because isn’t this the convenient story of mental health promotion? We/others recognise our symptoms, we are diagnosed, treated with medication, perhaps other treatments, and then largely cured, and we return to the productive life of work and community engagement.
It’s a pretty story. But not mine.
I suffered chronic clinical depression over decades and “passed”. And then psychosis struck me. I was running all over a capital city thinking people were trying to murder me. An initial diagnosis of depression with psychosis was given and stuck for many years. Later it was replaced with Bipolar I. More recently my psychologist has said to think in terms of symptoms rather than diagnosis. Other diagnostic terms are now used in relation to my symptoms: post-traumatic stress disorder, schizoaffective disorder, borderline personality disorder. Sometimes I struggle with the feeling that all I am is a bunch of symptoms and the rest of my personality has packed its bags and taken off to find less crowded quarters.
But I will not have my worth measured by those who judge and look for simplistic solutions.
I am more. I am a loving and caring mother, I am a helpful and concerned daughter, proud aunt, I am a supportive friend, I am exploring my interest in writing, and sharing my mental health experiences in the hope it will help others feel less alone, I am an animal lover, a vegetarian, a music lover, a fun cook.
There is no need to convince anyone but myself.
I am worth the effort to follow my own road toward mental health and will no longer judge myself by others who are largely unaware of the complex issues surrounding mental illness and health.
Something I learnt from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy was cheerleading. It goes beyond Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which says use the evidence to challenge negative thoughts. I can even say, maybe this situation is negative, but what would you say to your friend? You are your own friend. What will you say to yourself? ‘I am worthwhile for being me. We walk this path together.’
I will discuss DBT in future posts, but to provide more information now BorderlineBabbler discusses it in some detail.
Unfortunately, I don’t think we can give a satisfactory explanation to people who have no idea what mental illness does, how it shrouds everything in gray. I feel that most people don’t try to understand, they don’t care. Many people think mental illness is an imaginary condition for a lazy, unmotivated population.
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Some people may find it frightening too? Or want to “fix” problems? This is what I wondered later about what my friend said. My internal response was very reactionary from a place of hurt, yet she is also very kind person. Thank you for your comment and understanding. Xx
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If she is kind I’m sure she did not mean to hurt you. I tend to be overly sensitive myself, so it might not be the best idea to go by what I say.
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I’m trying to work on my oversensitivity but I do think on this occasion she was insensitive to the experience and treatment I’ve had. But I don’t think she had any intention to hurt. Maybe it was just a bad day. It has made me more careful of what I say to who though. Xx
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“Are you working?” is my most dreaded question. A lot of people judge me for not working. Many of them don’t understand my mental illness/autism spectrum issues so they accuse me of just being lazy or using my disability as an excuse. It’s taken a huge toll on my self esteem but I’m starting to get over it now and realize that I don’t need to work for money to be a person of value.
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That’s how if feel now and why I wrote the piece. I think there is so much misinformation in the media and that doesn’t help with people’s understanding. But what a great realisation! Thank you for your comment xx
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Sometimes friends can be very thoughtless and hurtful and so can people. You should explain as a warrior. That is what you are and you also are a wonderful person, full of worth. I sometimes think these people who measure worth by such a stupid standard have nothing better to do with their time or their lives.
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Thanks for your understanding comment. For what my opinion’s worth I think we’re all bombarded by what it takes to be successful or worthwhile. Asking someone what their work is, is one of the most basic questions of introduction. You sometimes expect so much more of your friends, especially when you think you travel a similar path. I haven’t given up my friendship. I didn’t feel able to tackle at the time her comment as a warrior, but next time I might. As my psychologist said to me one day,’I give my friends a break, and no doubt my friends give me a break in ways I cannot imagine.’
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It’s so nice that you were able to listen to your friend while she told you of her health challenges. We all need to listen more.
Maybe her suggestion to breathe was a starting point in opening up a different dialogue with you, or maybe it’s a new way that she has learned to help herself through her health challenges?
During this year of helping my mother with her stroke recovery, I’ve learned that breathing- really breathing and taking time to be in the moment of breath- is about taking care of your primary needs first. Nevertheless it still hurts when friends or family members say, “You look so tired!!!” Or, “You’re keeping your mom alive.” I think it all comes from a place of caring but sometimes I’d rather hear someone say, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
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Thank you! I didn’t listen very well to her suggestion about breathing! Sore point. Of course different strategies can be useful to a point but battling these demons is something else. Hopefully next time I’ll listen more and feel less angry. What can I say, a work in progress. Xx
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I just watched this Ted talk on changing the metaphor. When you have a chance take a look https://youtu.be/eXC3-ZFkhDo Rosemary Wahtola Trommer is a poet.
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Thank you. I’ll check out the video.
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This is one of the best pieces of text I have ever read in internet in my whole life. I have battled with quite intense symptoms since I was very young, started at 5 or so as you know from my post and truly got really bad when I hit puberty. I am now 22 and have just truly gotten better and starting my life again around 2 years ago. I remember all the years of people asking “Are you in school?” And after that “or working?” When I turned 18. Always accusing, always treating with contempt, mistrust or all out disapproval. Everyone except my family and relatives though, they have been great. Sometimes pity and disappointment though…. This gave me inspiration in what to write next. Thank you so much for yet more inspiration! Hugs to you and take care, you have my total respect as the amazing person you seem to be!
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Ps: Hope I wasnt too sugary!
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I am very appreciative of your comment. Thank you very much.😀
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It’s heart warming to read your comment and makes me feel that this is worthwhile. I really enjoy your writing and I like how it gives me an insight into a younger persons perspective. 😊
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I am very happy to hear. =) Makes em feel good that someone else feels good by what I have done or said. Yay the number of times my mortal body has tagged along on the full orbital periods of our great planet around the sun affecting my perspective is of value! =D
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Me*
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Yes, I feel a bit the same. Xx
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Yes! I have both mental and physical chronic illnesses and ‘Do you work?’ is one of the questions I hate the most. It can be difficult not to judge ourselves according to how others see us. And it’s so hard not to let our diagnoses become our identity. You’re right, we are so much more than our illnesses. Have a wonderful day.
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Thank you for understanding and I empathise with your situation. You have a wonderful day too. Xx
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