Eventually, I did see someone and kept seeing different people asking me similar questions over days. I remember the young intern in a light blue uniform. He was slouched in a chair, bags under his eyes, dragging his hand through his hair and rubbing his face.
His demeanour demonstrated to me how I was wasting people’s time and always had done. I apologised to the intern for taking his time because I could see he was very tired but I didn’t mean to do this, that I hadn’t slept for the last few nights; that I’d been in the waiting room all day and everyone wanted me dead. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’m sorry for taking oxygen.
I wasn’t being sarcastic. That is how I felt. He knew it and sat up and looked at me anew. At the time I thought it was with knowing sarcasm but in retrospect, it was one of empathy as well as some self-consciousness.
I had a brain scan and blood tests. A fairly general letter was written to my place of work stating that I was “unwell” and had to be admitted to hospital, to explain my absence.
Because I was older and hadn’t had previous psychotic episodes it was decided this might be a one off and I was diagnosed as depressed with psychosis.
Grabbing up the necessities of my life I left that inexplicable mess behind and moved back to my parents.
At first, I tried to re-establish my career, but it was a revolving door of hospitalisations at that stage and I finally realised my life was no longer in my control.
Around this time I had a vivid dream. There were people having a celebration in the sewer. The colours were of orange and black, dancing colours from the bonfire. At first, I was nauseated by the putrid stench and the thought of getting dirty. Yet I was drawn by their music, laughter and dancing in this hidden world. To be part of something where I was welcomed, as I was. Soon I was dancing as if I belonged.
I don’t know what you think the dream says about me, but I interpret it that I had very high and rigid expectations of myself and as much as I had lost status and income, I also felt released from those expectations. I could now allow myself to dance, where I liked, and relish it.
And indeed I embraced fellow inpatients and mentally ill sufferers as if they were life-long friends (so different to my usual standing at arms distance). Someone would play guitar in the walled quadrangle and we’d reminisce, philosophise, talk about side effects, smoke and drink coffee. Everyone who had a mental illness was a natural friend. They understood this madness, therefore me, as no one else possibly could.
I learnt the hard way that those with mental illness are no more perfect than anyone else when my boyfriend and best friend slept together.
However today I’m not free falling, nor am I desperately trying to conform. Today I’m happy to make decisions that I know support my mental health. And I’m gently exploring this new world and its opportunities, knowing that as I carefully allow others into my life I feel part of something bigger and more wonderful.
Crucially my little daughter provides an anchor to my efforts by constantly reminding me how central my mental stability is for her happiness and security. When it’s particularly tough that may seem a burden, but mostly it acts as a compass, guiding my way.
In essence, I began to embrace a mindful life. I was introduced to mindfulness during Dialectical Behavioural Therapy which gave me tools to engage with this new world.
Ed Halliwell explores three attitudes we can foster for a mindful life: commitment, courage and cheerfulness.
Getting back to Bradley and his piece, Things I’ve Had to Let Go, that inspired this series…
Have I let go as Bradley has done? Not quite. I get furious and frustrated and am known to rant by my mum. Although that’s lessened over time, I am moving toward acceptance, and as Bradley points out that doesn’t mean you have to be in 7th Heaven all the time – as long as I don’t turn into a bitter old woman!
But look at what I’ve gained – greater comfort in my own skin than I’ve ever previously had, vast life experience, and a wonderful daughter. And as I know from first-hand experience the future can not be predicted and so my journey is filled with anticipation and hope.
Once again, thank you, Bradley, for taking me on this journey…..
Thank you so much for sharing your story, an inspiring piece that will be enlightening to many 🙂 xx
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Thanks for your comment! When I was going through this intense stuff, the internet was not so readily available. I certainly wasn’t aware of mental health forums, and I would have been concerned by privacy if I had. I hope this blog provides comfort and reassurance to some, and maybe insight and understanding to others. For myself, I really enjoy writing and people finding it interesting.
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What a wonderful series. Thank you for the kudos for giving you inspiration, but your story is your own and you shared it beautifully. It was especially interesting to see your progression with each post. I wish you well, my friend. I’d say “good luck,” but I don’t think you’ll need it.
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Your kind words are appreciated! I had no idea how to approach this period of my life, how to write about it, but after reading that article of yours it immediately took shape and I had to write it immediately. I wish you well back. Nameste, my friend too xx
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So well written! I think you’ve done something quite remarkable. Did your best friend confess or did your ex boyfriend tell you? I guess I’m wondering if your best friend has accepted/understood your new life and maybe her role in it? I hope that makes sense.
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I appreciate your feedback. It was very messy at that time, but it was a transformative moment and lead to me moving away from where I was and starting upon a different pathway (although it’s been by no means a straight one…)
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I’m sorry about the mess it made and contributed to nevertheless it seems to have helped lighten your load and direct you to your calling. Amazing how things work out. Please keep writing!
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Absolutely! Thank you 😊
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A remarkable post. The future may not be what you’d anticipated but I love that you are walking into it with hope and the things you need to hold from the wreckage
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Thank you so much. Xx
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Reblogged this on Kate McClelland.
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Thanks so much Kate for blogging this series. Xx
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“Crucially my little daughter provides an anchor to my efforts by constantly reminding me how central my mental stability is for her happiness and security. When it’s particularly tough that may seem a burden, but mostly it acts as a compass, guiding my way” I have this with my boyfriend.. as he has been so amazingly understanding with me. I still have black days, but I am learning to deal with them better now. Thanks so much for sharing these posts, they are informative and inspiring, and experience affirming to read!
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I’ve found it so important to have someone to anchor me to life and reality. It’s great you have that. I’m really grateful for your comments because you have taken them as I have wanted them to be. So glad things are improving. I find it usually incremental sometimes Year to year even may not notice a difference but then you look back and think I’ve reached a viewpoint! Thanks again xx
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Yes I am learning more with each day how important this is.. Things are improving and it feels great! Yours was a great post, and has really left an impression. I’m currently writing a book on “how to” recover from severe mental illness, and really hope I can make it as accessible and informative as you have made your posts! I have a lot of work ahead of me. That’s fine, and take care xx
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Love your big too! Great insights! Xx
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Thanks a lot for following me! Means a lot. I’m currently working on redesigning it a bit, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing, web design is definitely not up there in my “skillset”! 😉 So excuse the fact that it looks a bit scatty atm! xx
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Looking forward to see changes. Must say I’ve purely relied on WordPress for design…. I’d love to hear progress of two books. Xx
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Thanks.. more posts will come. I’m volunteering tomorrow but should hopefully get back to work on tuesday. I’m just gonna read a few more of your posts! xx
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I try not to pressure myself with the blog but have bit of time ATM. Thanks so much. Xx
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I really like your posts about your psychosis, they gave me courage to write in more detail about my own psychotic state that lasted for years, I left out a lot of things on my post about things leading to the mental hospital and would have left out a lot of things in future posts but now I will write nearly everything no matter how “embarassing” and hard it will be for me. I am glad to see you have survived the hardships in your life to this point, may your life last long and be even more fulfilling!
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Thank you for your comment. I couldn’t envisage how people would react to my blog. When I find now and then that it assists others in one way or another it thrills me. Your comment has made my day! Just about to check out your post. Xx
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I am very happy to hear it made your day! It is awesome when good feelings spread. Keep up your blog too, I will read whenever I get the chance and time! =)
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